There’s something afoot, it would seem, in the nation’s sex life. Something a-hands, a-knees, and a boomps-a-daisy too, one might say. Something of a loosening of the bond of coupledom, monogamy being tossed to the wind - presumably along with the tossing of countless other things - as part of a rise in alternative ways of living and loving in the
twenty-first century.
Dive into any dating app and you’ll come across (no pun intended) the odd person (not that kind of odd) seeking a casual lover. Looking for another sex playmate to add to an existing network of partners, perhaps. Possibly looking to bring something more ‘fruity’ to an otherwise conventional table (other furniture is available). Or maybe just following that old adage about variety spicing up life. That’s nothing new. But it’s seriously on the rise, and that is new.
According to a report by Lovehoney, about a third of Brits are no longer wedded to monogamy. Almost a quarter of us would consider a polyamorous relationship, and a slightly higher number would contemplate an open relationship. And if you imagine it’s only for the likes of tantric Totnes or funky Frome, think again. Liverpool, apparently, leads the way when it comes to a desire to explore…well, desire. More than two-thirds of the city’s respondents said they were open to relationships with more than one sexual partner. Manchester and Glasgow weren’t far behind. Brighton and Southampton were at the bottom - of the league, that is.
‘But come on,’ I hear you say, ‘that nonsense is just for the kids! All you senior citizens want, in your comfy slippers and winceyette pajamas, is a sprinkling of chili in your cocoa. That’s more than enough hot stuff for you lot!’
Well, no, actually. Because who invented Free Love in the first place? And who began the sexual revolution, the Summer of Love unfolding before their very eyes? Who danced naked at Woodstock under a perpetual flower-powered sun, and put the Swinging in the Sixties and nudity onstage?
It’s true the survey found 18-24 year-olds are the most likely age group to be open to
non-monogamy, but 35-44 year-olds aren’t far behind. And while there’s no specific data for the over-60s, one can only assume this is because this demographic gets its sex toys, lube and condoms from a competitor supplier.
It’s maybe predictable that Lovehoney found that those identifying as men were far more likely to be interested in an open relationship than women were: 39% of male-identifying respondents, compared with just 14% of female. It’s incontrovertible that more than half a century after the second wave of feminism, women still carry the brunt of domestic responsibilities, and it’s exhausting. And good sex takes energy and stamina, both in short supply after a day juggling kids, home, work, ageing parents, and wider societal obligations into the bargain. So, given monogamy generally requires a lot less effort than servicing
multiple lovers, we shouldn’t be surprised if women opt for just the one flake over a bunch of dolly mixtures.
But for postmenopausal, post-childrearing, post-divorce, post-career women, it's an altogether different ball game. Older women can find themselves suddenly free to choose new ways of living and loving, and many are grasping the opportunity, exploring their sexuality with a libido previously sapped by responsibility overload.
Take Karen. Sixty-four, smart and sassy. Twice divorced with grown-up children on the other side of the world. She currently has three ‘beaux’: one for intellectual conversation and culture (‘sex with George is always amazing after a visit to the Tate’, she glows); one for fine dining and his culinary prowess. (‘Coq au Vin was never my cup of tea, but his Swedish meatballs are to die for!’ She and Leif don’t have sex, but their relationship is, ‘deliciously intimate.’) And Stefan is her tennis coach. (‘Enough said!’ she winks.) Karen is happy, fulfilled, and has no interest whatsoever in a more conventional arrangement. They all know there are other men in her life, but no-one’s complaining.
But is this shift away from monogamy wholly welcome, if indeed a shift it is? Well, not necessarily, according to Cambridge psychotherapist Juliet Emerson.
‘Having more than one relationship on the go is, on the whole, not a comfortable place for a woman,’ she says. ‘In my experience, for most women the happy monogamous relationship remains the gold standard. That doesn’t mean it has to be vanilla,’ she smiles. ‘But men seem to carry a good deal less anxiety about managing two or more sexual relationships at the same time, whereas I’ve never knowingly met a woman who doesn’t struggle with having more than one sexual partner.’
Emerson’s clients are, of course, a self-selecting group. They come for therapy because something is troubling them, and she’d be the first to acknowledge that.
Angela Lattimore, complementary health practitioner specialising in mind/body therapies, says, ‘What we really want is connection, but we’ve been sold a pup and lockdown left a lot of women realising the way they were living wasn’t working for them. Rather than waiting for a handsome prince to meet all their needs, women are increasingly waking up from the fairy tale and looking to themselves to answer the question of What do I want, in place of What must I be and do for someone to want me?
What she’s seeing is more women abandoning the traditional happy-ever-after model and moving into short-term serial monogamy - taking a partner (or not) ‘for a season’, not for life. For her, the gold standard is a return to authenticity.
Everything changed in lockdown, the therapists agree. In every field of our lives, rules of engagement were thrown out and rewritten. So how could we expect the intimate relationship to escape this? It couldn’t, of course. Evidence suggests women are seriously re-examining what they want from relationships, and if what emerges as we recover from that enormous national trauma is a more authentic, joyful and respectful way of loving, why take issue with that?
Written by Sue Bevan - an international award-winning writer
Juliet Emerson can be found at www.julietemerson.co.uk Angela Lattimore: thetherapyroomcambridge.co.uk
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