Edith Piaf famously sang about not regretting anything. Frank Sinatra had too few to mention. But if you harbour a regret or two, not washed away by a high-pitched performance in the shower, or Jack Daniel's at the late night cabaret, you’ve still got class. Regret is part of the human condition and you're far from alone.
It’s a feeling telling us there was something that we cared about which we have lost. By regretting we are learning something about ourselves that perhaps was not obvious enough before. If left unchallenged though, it can take the edge off our inner contentment - sometimes for years.
Regret usually relates to a sense of the consequences of our actions - or inaction. Envy works in a similar way – that uneasy pang tells you something valuable about yourself. An emotionally healthy approach is to accept that life is not fair, controllable or perfect – and neither are you. Everyone has setbacks and disappointments.
We all know about gratitude being uplifting and the phrase, “Is the glass half full or half empty?” But less familiar is the terminology psychologists conducting research into regret use, namely, “Upward counterfactual reasoning v downward counterfactual reasoning,” no less. Yep, it really does depend on how you look at it. Knowing to look more at downward counterfactuals and to suppress our number of upward counterfactuals can ease us into letting go of niggling regrets.
For instance, imagine being injured in a car accident on your way to an important job interview or just to have your nails done. The reality is now you have to cope with, say, having a broken leg. Some women in a refuge might have to cope with a broken arm from a violent partner. How are you going to choose to view what has happened within the speculation of the alternative realities that might come to into your head: all the “What ifs”?
Having an attitude that is upward counterfactual, such as, “If only I’d left earlier, got on my bike, like I was going to!” leaves you feeling more frustrated – you have ended up worse off for the action you did not take. This cranks up regret.
With a downward counterfactual approach, you focus on the fact that you could actually be in a far worse state. “Had I not worn my seat belt properly – or not done what I did - I could’ve lost a limb!” for instance. This approach brings down regret. It's two different takes on the same unfortunate reality. The goal is to move your focus from one of blame to acceptance.
“The Feelings Wheel” can also prove a useful tool. There are a variety of such wheels freely available online. This resource helps you put a clear label on the emotion, or mix, you’re feeling. Then you know how to manage it better - a bit like getting an accurate medical diagnosis for symptoms. Interestingly, your true feelings might not be what you think they are at all.
You might recognise what you're feeling is actually sad and discouraged, say, after procrastinating and missing a good opportunity. This is where “the maybe factor” comes in. Maybe, it turns out that something even better comes up and - because of your earlier experience – this time, you jump into action and get it.
Thinking this way instead of rigidly beating yourself up can reduce layers of unnecessary mental anguish. Shake it off! Life is seldom all good for all of the time or all bad with no good coming from it – maybe you learned something valuable from a bad experience. Hang on in there.
Feeling better, more on an even keel, with a clearer head, also helps us function better and take positive action.
Research shows people are more likely to have more intensive regrets about having made a decision not to do something in life, than doing it and it not turning out well! It's called “the omission effect.” For instance, you might be visiting a town where an old friend you lost touch with lives. You’re more likely to regret not contacting her, when you get back home, than her declining your invitation to meet up.
What's that phrase? “The biggest risk in life is not taking any.” You could have had a swell of a time – had you risked contacting her.
Not staying in touch with friends is a common deathbed regret, once health and time is all but gone. Having too many unfulfilled dreams, not letting ourselves feel happy, not having had the courage to be true to ourselves, express our true feelings - living a life others expected of us instead - are others.
It seems even cool city chicks don't get by unscathed. In the “Sex and the City” episode entitled “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda”, Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) regrets having a one-time-only encounter with Steve (David Eigenberg) when she finds out she's pregnant. Regrets from some of the other women come tumbling out.
Having a life coach would be ideal in facilitating us to make perhaps life-enhancing decisions. Such a professional might encourage a client to look at and challenge each regret head on and decide whether and how to let it go.
Another technique is to apply “cognitive reframing”. This is to view the same event in a better light; change your point of view.
Think of a dusty, old painting lying on the attic floor being cleaned and put in a new frame and hung on the wall. The old painting is the fact is you have boring, old tech. You didn't replace your old television or phone before Christmas as intended. Instead of wallowing in disappointment telling yourself you're useless, you can show yourself some self-compassion and consider how busy you were doing more important things and that now you can afford an even better upgrade and have fun with the sales. You get the idea.
Your coach might gently pose questions, such as: “What have you learned from this regret? How have you grown as a person as a consequence? What have you got now that you might not have had you not made that choice you regret?”
Time has moved on. But it's never too late to go after your dreams – in some way, shape or form. A coach might ask: “How else can you get what you believe this would have given you? What personal resources or strength do you have now that you didn't have before to help you?“
For instance, you might have wanted that promotion at work less for the extra money and more for the recognition from peers. Now you regret not even applying in the end because you were worried about the additional responsibilities when you already had a lot going on at home. That latter situation has eased, perhaps with the kids being older or having a part-time carer for mum now. Can you figure out another way of increasing your sense of status amongst colleagues – perhaps through doing a new project, presentation or even new qualifications?
Think outside the box, maybe find a closer, further or different angle. Remain open and flexible – and you'll soon shift or diminish regret. Should you decide it is still plausible to do something practical, the professional advice is to remind yourself of what you wanted, rekindle the excitement, note all options and take some positive action. Action is key.
If it is more an emotional regret such as guilt, loss, sadness or shame, writing it all down or talking it out really will help get it out of your system.
Psychologists point out how intensely traumatic memories may have become distorted over time. When we replay and regret something, it’s easy to forget that our choices and independence to act might have been limited at the time – especially if it was a hazardous situation, such as domestic violence. There's no need to beat yourself up.
Sometimes life sucks. To have a mosaic of moods in life is to be real. We don't control everything. But we do control how we choose to respond to life's slings and arrows.
Exploring “The Sedona Method” can help whenever you're feeling stuck. The book on this by Hale Dwoskin is good. It promotes a sort of spiritual and emotional cleansing and healing process that helps you let go of unwanted emotions.
Some other recommended books are: “The power of regret” by Daniel H. Pink; “If Only: How to turn regret into opportunity,” by Professor Neil Roese and, if all else fails, not for the fainthearted when it comes to the directness of bad language, be warned: “F*** I*: The Ultimate Spiritual Way” by John C. Parkin.
SATC's Cosmopolitan cocktail loving Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) put it this way: “Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.” And just like that, you’ll feel better.
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