“A friend is, as it were, a second self” according to the philosopher Cicero. However, in fast-paced, modern times, with virtual friends, algorithms and followers - people are sometimes seen more as contacts, connections, texters, and likes than real friends.
Yet a true friend is worth more than gold – and having one is life-enhancing in immeasurable ways. A genuinely good friend will have you feeling energized, inspired and supported - somebody you can delight in just for the pleasure of his or her company. Remember the joy of a childhood best friend whose presence lifted your spirits as trouble and strife dissolved into a life-affirming fit of girly giggles?
Old-fashioned tea and sympathy with a trusted friend really do go a long way when you need to get something straight or off your chest. As one qualified counsellor explains, “Counsellors call it ‘the talking cure’. If you talk about something, it makes it less harmful to your long-term health. It may even sound silly when you say out loud what’s been worrying you so much – but a friend simply saying, ‘I can understand why you’ve been worried’ or ‘Tell me more about it’ and listening really helps it not to grow and build up in your mind.”
It must be great to still have that special, trusted someone, of whatever sex, who knows you beyond all others, who genuinely has your best interests at heart, to have fun with, and who would also stick around to help you through a hard time, and vice versa. How do they do it?
Reciprocity is key. To have a true friend, you need to be one. Psychologists say you can develop closer friendships by knowing yourself, selecting well, respecting others and being practical. Recognise your own needs and limits first, then give some thought to the needs and limits of each friendship – the “unspoken contract” – and match these up accordingly.
Reciprocity is key. To have a true friend, you need to be one. Psychologists say you can develop closer friendships by knowing yourself, selecting well, respecting others and being practical. Recognise your own needs and limits first, then give some thought to the needs and limits of each friendship – the “unspoken contract” – and match these up accordingly.
We can adopt a 21st century concept of what experts call the “composite best friend” - made up of a satellite of different people – through various friendships, acquaintances and temporary allies across a broad and colourful spectrum of types, circumstances, depths and levels. In this article, we focus on female friends, but of course, everybody is welcome to the party!
We may actually have a whole array of friends with pockets of people who never even meet each other. Some people can satisfy certain needs and other friends fulfil completely different needs.
That takes the pressure off rather than constantly searching for one person to walk alongside your life’s journey - replacing all others. It is important not to expect everything from one person anyway. You want to hang out with other women and enjoy yourself; not marry them!
What you want from a friendship is going to be different at different stages in life too. You can always broaden your horizons. For instance, at some point you may prefer someone compassionate or practical, stable or exciting, married or single, a giver or a taker, a study friend, a social or travel companion, another new mum or widow.
But if you feel you’re being too much the social butterfly an Australian Bush Flower Essence called Wedding Bush is recommended to strengthen the energy of commitment.
A bit of introspection is sometimes good. You may see yourself as a good friend, but do you really care and do your best for your friends – such as caring about her feelings; accepting her for who she is - for who she sees herself to be; standing up for her if there is gossip; keeping confidences and secrets; making thoughtful plans and being supportive?
A fair-weather friend might badly need a good friend one day and turn around to the unexpected sting of being totally alone. To avoid this, try to gently brave some intimacy – and let the friends you do have know how much you appreciate, or love, them.
“We can feel the pressure to socialize all the time, when sometimes what we really need is to be inward and just be quiet. Half an hour a day spent alone is good for us - time to think, reflect, put some music on, do deep relaxation or meditation,” the counsellor says.
Friendship does have its mystery too. We may like somebody, but somehow that person’s key does not fit our lock, so to speak, and it just doesn’t work, or we really get on with someone although it makes no sense. If so, whilst we always need to keep our wits about us, it pays not to scrutinize things that are good.
Friendship does have its mystery too. We may like somebody, but somehow that person’s key does not fit our lock, so to speak, and it just doesn’t work, or we really get on with someone although it makes no sense. If so, whilst we always need to keep our wits about us, it pays not to scrutinize things that are good.
You can know if someone is a real friend by how they react when you share good news. Are they pleased for you and want to celebrate – or do they ignore, deflect or diminish what you have told them? The latter can be a red flag that you are talking to a frenemy – an enemy masquerading as a friend for her own ends. A friend only wants the best for you and would share your joy.
Alternatively, when you reveal something is, or could, go badly for you – look closely at the instant look on her face. You might notice what is called an involuntary “micro expression” - a split second spark of pleasure or slight smile as the mask slips momentarily.
Psychologists also say there is a fine line on how much we are prepared to compromise with friends – advising to go on that gut feeling when it is time to finish a friendship. We have an innate survival kit and know when a friendship has stopped being nourishing or enjoyable. Sometimes, we just outgrow each other. Whilst a true friend will always be steadfast, other friendships can be tricky when peoples’ lives are going in different directions and there are changes or outside influences.
Every friendship has a beginning, middle and end. Because it has ended, it doesn’t mean it was a bad friendship. You have shared good things and learned a lot about yourself and others, but none of us can live in the past. By moving on, you are touching far more peoples’ lives than people in closed circles, or arm-in-arm with one bestie. The ability to make and keep making new friends shows an attractive personality.
Walk away quietly, fade, if you can. Let your old friend remember you as a lovely, smiley person. When you care as much about your friend’s feelings as you do your own, your good behaviour benefits you as well and brightens everyone’s day. Whatever happens, you still have one very important friend to rely on as you travel through life - you! Remember how valuable you are: a true friend is a pearl beyond price.
By Susan Wallace ©
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